A Blue Christmas: Grief During the Holidays

myFOX Holiday Guide - “Joy to the world!” “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” The holidays are a magical time of giving presents and spending time with those you love, creating cherished memories for years to come. All the sights, sounds and smells of the season inspire love and joy; gratitude for the past year and hope for all that is yet to come. But it can feel as cold as the snow falling outside in your heart if a loved one has just died. And the heightened expectations of the holidays may only intensify the pain you are feeling.

How can you be glad and rejoice if your heart is breaking? Here are some ideas to help you make it through the holiday season, one day at a time.

Grief does not take a break for the holidays

One thing you will notice while you are grieving is that because people do not know what to say, they will often say the wrong thing. They mean well, but comments such as, ”you’ve got to be strong for the children,” or “don’t cry- it’s the holidays!” or “just stay busy” are not helpful and may actually slow down your grieving process. The simple truth is that grief cannot be postponed until after the holidays. You will have to move through each day at your own pace, no matter what month it is. How to even start? Talk to your friends and family about what you are thinking and feeling. Reminisce about your loved one and call him or her by name. Cry when you need to. Tears are an outward sign of the love you feel inside for the person who died. Children especially need to see adults grieve to know that it is ok for them to be sad too at this time, even though it is the holidays. They will take your cue about how to feel and act. Answer their questions honestly and keep your heart and mind open to their thoughts and feelings. There are no right or wrong answers. But if you are fully present to them, they will learn how to cope with and grow through losses in their lives, and that will be one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them.

Put your list of “shoulds” and obligations aside Throughout the holidays this year, step away from the hustle and bustle occasionally and spend a few quiet moments alone.

Breathe calmly and deeply to center yourself. Then ask yourself, “what do I need during this holiday season?” Not what your family or friends may want or expect you to do, but what do YOU need to feel comfortable and make the season meaningful this year? Instead of hosting the family dinner, you may want to go to someone else’s house this year. Rather than the usual dozens of cookies you bake as gifts, you may choose to mail order treats. You may want to decorate your whole home, or perhaps just a small corner this year. You may want to attend a lot of parties, or spend more quiet time at home with loved ones. Resist numbing yourself with too much alcohol or food. While it may seem like a good idea at the time, you will ultimately feel worse later. At the same time, don’t deny yourself good food or good company because you feel like you are in “mourning” and should not experience any joy. Your loved one would never want that for you- they would want you to be happy! Whatever ways you want to keep and honor the season that feel right for you, do them. Forget the rest. It is ok to say no. You can always add things back in celebrations to come.

Talk with your family and friends

Often, people do not talk about their grief, especially at the holidays. They do not want to upset other loved ones with their sadness and tears. But many misunderstandings at the holidays after someone has died take place when people do not talk openly and honestly about their feelings. Once you’ve listed some ways you do and do not want to celebrate this year, share them with your family and friends so everyone understands what is helpful to you. They may have some good ideas, too. Sometimes helping someone else in need can be one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. Support groups for people who have lost a loved one are another way to work through your grief. Many other people know what losing a loved one during this time of year feels like, and that can be a great source of comfort.

“When will the holidays be back to normal?”

Now that your loved one has died, you will never be “back to normal,” and that is ok. The holidays will never be the same without your loved one by your side. But that doesn’t mean that the holidays won’t ever have meaning or joy for you again. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. Every person grieves on their own time schedule. By expressing your feelings and crying your tears, you are honoring your loved one. And as time goes by, you will forge a new “normal” for yourself and how you celebrate the holidays that will keep your loved one close to your heart and the love you shared alive, every day of the year.

Megan Meade-Higgins is a Licensed Master of Social Work (LMSW) specializing in bereavement issues and grief management.