Part 4: Helping Someone You Know

In the third part of our series , we looked at how to get help for yourself after suffering the traumatic or sudden loss of a loved one.

This final part will focus on how to help someone else through this type of loss in their lives.

How to Help Someone Suffering from the Sudden or Traumatic Loss of a Loved One

A bereaved person is never going to “get over” their loved one’s death. It is not helpful to talk about “getting back to normal,” as things will never be normal again. The goal of healthy grieving is for a person to reconcile the death of a loved one as they learn to live in a new way without that person.

Understand that a survivor of a traumatic or sudden loss may be feeling very lost, confused and vulnerable. Offer concrete help. Make a meal, carpool the children, run some errands.

Make time to listen and be completely focused on the person. Accept that they may have to tell their story again and again to help find the meaning in it for themselves. Be patient. Let your friend move at his or her own pace.

Allow your friend to experience all of the hurt, sorrow and pain he or she is feeling. Do not try to diminish the intensity of their feelings or take them away. By expressing feelings, survivors can help lessen their power.

Remember survivors on days that may be difficult such as anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. Use the name of the person when you speak with their loved ones. People need to know others also remember their loved one.

Try not to use clichés. Saying things like, “you’re doing so well,” “time heals everything” or “it was God’s will” do not help; in fact, they can stall a person’s grief journey. NEVER say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Don’t compare this loss to any others in their life or in yours. Each loss leaves a unique print on our hearts. The greatest loss is the one that the grieving person is going through.

So… “Why?"

It is human nature to want to make sense of a sudden or traumatic loss. Yet it may be difficult, if not impossible, to find the answer. Most of the time, when grieving people ask “why?”, they don’t really expect you to have the answer. They may even realize there is no good answer, but they still need to ask the question.

A survivor may talk about their loss for years to come. You don’t have to have all the answers. Your best gift is your presence.

To check out the other parts of the Coping with Sudden and Traumatic Loss series, click on the links below.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Megan Meade-Higgins is a Licensed Master of Social Work (LMSW) specializing in bereavement issues and grief management. Megan has worked over the last five years with many people coping with loss in their lives, particularly in the field of hospice care. She speaks around the Metro Detroit community and has appeared on Fox 2's "The Doctor Is In" talking about coping with various types of life stress and loss. Megan is also available for private counseling.